Thursday, July 12, 2012
My Problems with Alcohol: Unavoidable Temptation
Practically a teenager, there are just things I never should have been exposed to and while I walked into it with caution and boundaries, because of the road I was on, meant I would inevitably be met with many temptations. You are confronted with choices; you either choose to engage or you don’t and if you aren’t careful, your environment will end up choosing for you-your best intentions won’t matter.
Nicole began experimenting with new things. When people want to have new experiences or they have found something they enjoy, most times, they want to bring someone along for the ride. I was her closest friend. She knew my boundaries, but that was not going to stop her from hassling me.
On one of our days off, Nicole decided to drop acid and begged me to do it with her. I refused-I was too chicken to try something like that! To me, that was some heavy duty stuff, I wanted to stay clear from. Watching her have a grand ol’ time by herself, I began feeling really weird, all of a sudden. Textures on walls and floors began moving. Everything I looked at became distorted and funny. Following suit, I started laughing hysterically. As we’re both laughing, she tells me she dropped acid in the soda I was drinking. She thought this was too good for me to pass up. Too high and too loopy to care or be furious with her; I was really enjoying this ‘trip’.
Never in my life, did I laugh so hard-I was always too intense and serious to just let go and enjoy life. On that day, I felt that whatever happened to me didn't matter because I wasn’t thinking much about any of it. Today, I would be without a care in the world, and the only thing that mattered was how much fun I was having.
I was mesmerized over the simplest things; things we don’t give a second look; stuff we walk by every day and here I am completely enamored by them: carpet, grass, wood grain and pretty much anything with a pattern. This was no quick high; a tiny piece of paper dipped in some chemical, the size of a tear drop, lasted eight straight hours! I later heard of people who had really bad ‘trips’; doing this stuff on a bad frame of mind can lead to terrible episodes. I wondered why this experience was as good as it was for me. I remembered during my ‘trip’, looking in the mirror, my face began to form into some kind of a demon. Instead of freaking out, like what most normal people would do, I was fascinated by it. But something told me not to stare too long because I'm sure I would have gotten lost in it and like those others who had bad ‘trips’, would have had a difficult time coming out of it.
Once you find something that feels that good, you become desperate of that feeling -you search for it, in everything. Tired of feeling rotten, stressed, guilty-you've had a taste of something different, you know now there is an alternative and you want more of it. Still cautious, I didn't by any means become an addict; but it did lead to me to making more and more bad choices. Once that door is swung open and you walk through it, it’s hard to turn around and walk out. One experience multiplies into many others and habits begin forming. Oddly, I still wasn't there with alcohol. I guess at the time, I didn't find it to be very exciting. To me, it tasted like poison and I couldn’t get past the bad memories.
There was nothing around me that was wholesome; nothing fighting for me to do good. I slowly succumbed to the ways of this industry. I started meeting customers outside of the club; hanging out with male strippers-like something out of the movie, ‘Magic Mike’. I thought I was something special: an insecure girl surrounded by hot men-I was smothered by temptation. Thankfully, I had some sense and did not get sexually intimate with these men. I made a vow when I was in high school to save myself for marriage. Having my innocence stolen at such a young age, it was my way of feeling somewhat good about something, in attempt to preserve some level of purity. The fact was: I was tainted; damaged goods; trying to restore what was once untouched. Unfortunately, there was no reversing what was taken from me.
But while I felt good about keeping my version of sexual purity, it sure didn’t stop me from manipulating the men to get what I wanted. I went as far as promise men dinner dates if they would take me shopping. The guy would take me shopping-I got what I wanted and then I made up some lame excuse of why I couldn't do dinner. It was so deliberate. Using men in this way gave me a thrill.Thinking back it disgusts me how I used to be.