I was timid and I could not get into a groove. I remember sitting at the bar for most of the night until I was called up on stage; I was terrified. Over and over in my head, I kept thinking about 'how in the world did I get myself here?' I wanted to run; I literally wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I had convinced myself that this was the ultimate low and I was very desperate.
In order for me to endure through this, I had to counter those negative feelings with power thoughts:
Just a few months!
You are here for one reason and that is to survive!
You are in control!
Everything is going to be ok!
My stage name was called and that switch turned on; I was determined to work it out! I commanded the stage and the fear somehow found its way out. As the tips came, my false sense of confidence started building. I had to be someone else, called by a different name, because the real me that existed behind those layers I built up around me, was a scared little girl who was conditioned to think she was stupid and ugly. That girl would have been eaten alive here; she wouldn't have survived. So, I had to bury her.
for the best accommodations. We were spending money like it grew on trees! My Army recruiter called me often because he knew what I was doing. He was worried that I would get caught up in this life and decide against joining the military. I assured him that this was just a means to an end. I wouldn't allow this lifestyle to suck me in no matter how tempting it was; there was a goal in sight!
But while I had the greatest of intentions, that lifestyle has a way of pulling you into things you said you would never do. Surely, I was traveling down a road that would deepen my sorrows and open new wounds…