Tuesday, March 6, 2012

My Problems with Alcohol: Trapped

Things at home started to get worse. I felt trapped.  I was lost.  I just wanted to leave. God, get me out of here!

The drinking continued to the point where my father just stopped taking care of himself, not to mention, I was left cleaning up the messes he left around the house.  I did not feel like his daughter in any way, nor did I respect him as my father.  There were times I felt like his mother, taking care and cleaning up after him.  This was going beyond normal chores that kids should be doing around the house.

I remember having an argument with my father.  I don't recall the details, but what I do remember was, my father grabbing me by the neck, picking me up, slamming me against my closet door with his teeth clenched, growling at me.  I was terrified. I had never seen this side of him before.  My father's nickname in the Air Force was 'nasty' because of how mean he could get. This stopped me dead in my tracks and there was no way I was going to have another one of these fights again.  Obviously, I was reminded of my mother's abuse and with my father's heavy drinking habit, I didn't know how far he would go.  My best bet was to just stay clear of him as much as possible.

I somehow managed to end up living with a friend of mine until her parents thought it was time for me to go back home. Then I lived with one of my father's old girlfriends; one of the only women I took a liking to. I couldn't tell you how my father came in agreement with this, but he did. To my dismay, it didn't work out and back home I went. I made a vow to myself that when I turned 18, I was going to do whatever it took to move out.

A girlfriend of mine that I had become close with was having her own set of family issues.  I begged my father to allow her to stay with us and he agreed.  I felt like if she was with me, I was somewhat protected from any unwanted advances or violent outbursts.

My friend, let's just call her Nicole, had convinced me that she had the perfect plan on how I was going to move out.  I had just graduated and decided to enlist in the military, but because I was a part of the delayed entry program, I could not go in right away.  I had about a four month waiting period before I could start basic training.  Nicole told me that she had some friends who lived in south Florida and we could stay at their place until it was time for me to go into the military.  She would secretly pack my things up while I was at work and when I came home, we would take off before my father returned.

I came home, we put my things in my car - my heart jumping out of my chest because I was so scared my father would come home and catch us, wrote him a nasty note basically saying 'good riddance' and we were on our way!  The moment I left the driveway, I felt so free!  I was excited to be out of my home and on a new adventure to south Florida with my best friend!

The drive took what seemed like forever; we had finally arrived!  I pulled over and asked Nicole, "ok, how do we get to your friends place?"  She had this look on her face that immediately put knots in my stomach.  "WHAT?! WHAT'S THE MATTER?!" "We don't have a place to stay. I lied." I started freaking out, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO STAY!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU LIED?!"  Nicole explained that if she told me the truth, I would have never agreed to come.  Nicole assured me not to worry because although she lied, the truth was, she always had a plan, just a different one.  She needed me to get her down here and if I joined her in her little 'plan', it would be a win win situation for the both of us according to her.  The alternative was to return to my father or become homeless.  After the note I wrote him, I pretty much burned the bridge of ever returning and she knew it.  And homeless? In a place I knew nothing about? Before I could consider it, Nicole revealed her plan.

Once again, I felt trapped and my hand was forced into the unthinkable...

1 comment:

  1. This all happened during that crazy time when I had to go live with my dad and then ran away (much the same way you did) and was in Raleigh with my mom. I don't remember the details of your leaving home. I just remember that you were suddenly in FL. I think you and I weren't talking at some point in all that, too. (So glad we always found our way back.) I wish we'd been there for each other during that time. Though it seems we both took similar roads on our own, huh. I know it's hard doing this but I'm so glad you are. If even one person is affected and changed because of it... I wish someone could have saved your dad. Luv you lots.