Sunday, February 19, 2012

My Problems with Alcohol: Innocence Stolen

There were things that started happening in my father's home that I found to be really inappropriate - inappropriate outside of all the things I've already mentioned.  This time, it was towards me; inappropriate behavior that should never be expressed by a father to his daughter.

This wasn't something I was new to; I've had plenty of other encounters.  And by those encounters, I mustered up the courage and strength to say NO!

When I was about 4 years old, I don't recall my exact age, my mother left me to live with a woman she knew.  I cannot remember how long my mother was gone, but it was long enough to do further damage that had already begun in my life.  This woman my mother left me with had an older son.  I will spare you the details, but what I will tell you is that, my innocence was stolen from me on multiple occasions by this man.  This led to a reoccurring theme in my life - something that I could not seem to escape from.

Going forward from that time, I had several episodes of sexual abuse ranging from strangers, people I knew, all the way to the men in my family. Just a few examples: As a little girl, I would walk into a convenience store with another little girl to pick up some things my mother needed and the man working at the counter would decide to touch me inappropriately.  His reason was, he wanted to check to see if I was stealing; this ended up in court. The curse continued when I was left with a babysitter who was a woman, and she was coaxing me to do things to her but I refused.  There were many other instances but I won't get into that; you get the gist.  What was troubling was the abuse from my own family members. The men that were supposed to love and protect me - men that I was supposed to trust - in one way or another, made unwanted sexual advances towards me, including my grandfather, if you can believe that! I could not understand it, why was this continually happening to me? I wasn't a scantily clad girl; I wasn't even fully developed yet. Why was I such a target for people to take advantage of me?  Was it because I exuded a scent of 'weak' and 'victim'?

My father began coming on to me in a playful manner. At first, I denied it was anything more than him joking around, probably because I was in such disbelief - not my father!  But then it began happening more frequently, going a step further and each time, the stench of alcohol was so strong because he was so close.  This man was under the influence and he was making passes at his daughter! Thankfully, because of what I have already been up against and the fight I had on the inside of me, I did not allow this is go very far.  GET OFF ME!  I think by the way I said it, he knew I meant business.  My demand for him to stop fortunately struck him enough to withdraw those advances.  He followed my words with a laugh and, "don't flatter yourself" in attempt to make me think that this was a figment of my imagination.  I knew better because although I was no expert on wholesome relationships between father and daughter, I knew that jumping on top of your daughter and kissing on her neck was not a healthy expression of affection.

This stuff definitely started affecting me outwardly.  The internal damage taking place started manifesting itself in the worst forms.  My sense of worth and value was so out of whack. Strangely enough, I think I tried to convince myself that this must be how men love.  I was so confused.  One thing I knew for certain, I needed to get out of this house!

1 comment:

  1. Hi love! I commend you for your courage to share what happened to you as a child. What you did here will hopefully give someone else the courage to either realize or confess that this happened to them as a child which can help them move on. This has happened to so many people.. I can name 6 or 7 right now sadly.

    BUT...I now know that this happens for God to reveal His glory in that person!! xo :)