Monday, February 6, 2012

My Problems with Alcohol: Cursed

The dreaded late night wake up again - this time coming from my parents. Being woken up in the middle of the night in my life meant 'your head is about to get knocked or your world is about to get rocked'.  Clearly, from the noise I was hearing, this wasn't going to be anything good.

Half asleep, I am trying to figure out what exactly is going on. The details of this emotional night is cloudy, but what I do recall is grabbing the phone, yelling at a man I didn't know on the other end.  How could you!?  How could you do this to my family?! 

There was infidelity in the marriage and I could not wrap my mind around it.  I thought things were good! Doesn't something like this come with a warning? Why is this happening?!  

Why me?! Oh God, WHY ME!?

I felt like my life was one big punishment - a curseWhat did I do that was so bad to deserve this? God must hate me.  He removed me from one bad situation to another.

I wanted so desperately for things between my stepmother and father to work out.  I remember playing a song and begging them to dance.  Please dance, because for a moment, I wanted to know that things were going to be ok and my home would return to the way it was before this all happened and we could just all stay together.

Please?

The inevitable happened.  My stepmother moved out and divorce followed.  I had such mixed feelings about this.  I loved her, after all, I did consider her to be my mother but then I hated her at the same time.  Didn't I matter?  How dare you get close to me,  call me your daughter, just to hurt me like this!?  Does my father mean nothing to you?  Aren't we enough?  Of course, as a teenager, I was making it mostly, all about me.  It didn't matter the reason and it didn't matter that she wasn't happy because this was ultimately hurting me.  Don't I get a say?

The anger, hurt and resentment began stirring on the inside of me.  Things in my home quickly started changing and not for the better...

3 comments:

  1. Just to be clear: I did BEG you to come with me...but you said you had to stay with your Dad. Then we lost contact and I didn't know how to reach you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sheila: no disrespect but you cheated on my father and you were part of the reason why our family broke up. I had no desire to be with you at that point. My father was by no means innocent, however, if there are problems in the marriage bringing another man into it doesn't fix the problem. There was a broken teenager in your care so I felt like the decision you made was of no regard to me at the time.

      Delete
    2. I guess you had no idea how unhappy I was until you experienced the misery with your Dad yourself. I had to get out of there and I wanted to take you with me. I know cheating was not the right way to go about it, but your Dad would never have let me go otherwise.

      Delete