Wednesday, January 4, 2012

My Problems with Alcohol: Where was God?

I remember times before moving to live with my father, standing in the shower after a beating and just weeping. I didn't know God, not a clue who Jesus was because my mother considered herself a Buddhist by association to the Asian culture; definitely not a practicing one.  I don't remember ever having any information or conversations about the existence of God until my mother sent me to a Catholic school. 

But lets rewind before that time. 

I would find solitude in the shower, my escape, crying to a God I did not know and begging for Him to take me away from this place.  Please God, please! Help me!  Get me out of here, PLEASE!!

I find it fascinating that without knowing about Him, I was actually crying out to Him??  Could it be that I've always felt His presence with me? That I somehow received strength from Him to keep going?  I don't have all the answers for this, but I believe that in all that time, He was with me, hanging on to me when I was slipping away. I literally wanted to crawl in a hole and die on MANY occasions.  But there was ALWAYS something drawing me in, don't give up.

Later, I ended up in a Catholic school.  Mostly, it was because my mother just wanted me to be in a strict teaching environment.  Thinking back, I remember the kids there were terrible - they were mostly terrible to me; I was very awkward.  I was made fun of til the day I graduated high school.  I suppose I was an easy target; kids prey on the weak and I definitely showed weakness.  It was horrible for me because I couldn't escape hardship. At home it was, you're ugly, you're so stupid, what is wrong with you?!  At school, I was called anything from bulldog to frying pan face.  That stuff just sticks with you for years - you start believing it.  I felt so insecure and inadequate.  I couldn't identify with anything or anyone. I was so lost!

Going to this school really did not reconcile any thoughts about there being a God and certainly not about Jesus as Lord. I just always knew He existed; that was enough for me.  There were some ritualistic stuff they made you do, but none of which encouraged me to have a relationship with Jesus - that's where the healing is, the peace, the hope, mercy, comfort, THE LOVE IS.  It was very robotic - just going through the motions for me. And if there was a time to turn me off to God, that was one of them because of how poorly I was treated. Interesting how at this part of my life, I didn't get turned off to God because of what I was going through. Instead, I cried out to Him. Isn't that odd?

Although God didn't answer my cries right away, He did eventually answer them, not in the way I expected or wanted but He got me out of there - from the pacific islands to the durty south!


  1. I love you for sharing your pain!

  2. YOU ROCK SHANNON!It was all preparation for where you are going and all the blessings you will receive.

  3. Dirty it gets to where you meet you