Wednesday, January 4, 2012

My Problems with Alcohol: Where was God?

I remember times before moving to live with my father, standing in the shower after a beating and just weeping. I didn't know God, not a clue who Jesus was because my mother considered herself a Buddhist by association to the Asian culture; definitely not a practicing one.  I don't remember ever having any information or conversations about the existence of God until my mother sent me to a Catholic school. 

But lets rewind before that time. 

I would find solitude in the shower, my escape, crying to a God I did not know and begging for Him to take me away from this place.  Please God, please! Help me!  Get me out of here, PLEASE!!

I find it fascinating that without knowing about Him, I was actually crying out to Him??  Could it be that I've always felt His presence with me? That I somehow received strength from Him to keep going?  I don't have all the answers for this, but I believe that in all that time, He was with me, hanging on to me when I was slipping away. I literally wanted to crawl in a hole and die on MANY occasions.  But there was ALWAYS something drawing me in, don't give up.

Later, I ended up in a Catholic school.  Mostly, it was because my mother just wanted me to be in a strict teaching environment.  Thinking back, I remember the kids there were terrible - they were mostly terrible to me; I was very awkward.  I was made fun of til the day I graduated high school.  I suppose I was an easy target; kids prey on the weak and I definitely showed weakness.  It was horrible for me because I couldn't escape hardship. At home it was, you're ugly, you're so stupid, what is wrong with you?!  At school, I was called anything from bulldog to frying pan face.  That stuff just sticks with you for years - you start believing it.  I felt so insecure and inadequate.  I couldn't identify with anything or anyone. I was so lost!

Going to this school really did not reconcile any thoughts about there being a God and certainly not about Jesus as Lord. I just always knew He existed; that was enough for me.  There were some ritualistic stuff they made you do, but none of which encouraged me to have a relationship with Jesus - that's where the healing is, the peace, the hope, mercy, comfort, THE LOVE IS.  It was very robotic - just going through the motions for me. And if there was a time to turn me off to God, that was one of them because of how poorly I was treated. Interesting how at this part of my life, I didn't get turned off to God because of what I was going through. Instead, I cried out to Him. Isn't that odd?

Although God didn't answer my cries right away, He did eventually answer them, not in the way I expected or wanted but He got me out of there - from the pacific islands to the durty south!

3 comments:

  1. I love you for sharing your pain!

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  2. YOU ROCK SHANNON!It was all preparation for where you are going and all the blessings you will receive.

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  3. Dirty south...now it gets to where you meet me...lol...love you

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