Wednesday, June 22, 2011

My Story

 I wrote this back in 2006...

I've been introduced to Jesus Christ at the end of Aug 06 and I've been ON FIRE for God since! My vanity license plate drew a whole new meaning after I accepted Him. I was fortunate enough to have someone pursue my faith, step out for God by sharing the story of his own transformation, and invite me to the Rock Church (www.sdrock.org). I cringe thinking, had he not kept extending that invitation, where my life would be today (hence the importance of speaking to others about God's goodness). Of course, at the same time he was inviting me, I was becoming close friends with two other women who were attending the Rock as well. Coincidence? Hardly. God had all the bases covered because He knew I was stubborn, but that I was also ready, so the more people encouraging me along, the easier it was to finally accept the invitation.

Was God in my life previously? Yes and no. I believed in the existence of Him, but I only spoke to Him when I needed something. I never truly accepted Jesus into my life (didn’t know I needed to or what that was all about) and I blamed God for all the turmoil I had to endure during my adolescence up until I was saved. Because how can a true loving God allow such terrible things to happen to a child, to a person, in one life?

I have been beaten, broken, tormented, ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, violated, and any form of the word misery that comes to your mind, I sustained. Many times, I just felt defeated and waking up was a chore because I feared and dreaded what was in store for me that day. I walked around with my head down in shame, didn't know what love was and what it felt like, not to mention the nurturing that was necessary in my development was lacking in all areas. Many times I questioned God as to why I entered into this world and I cursed Him for bringing me into existence. The same time I was cursing Him was the same time I was begging Him to deliver me from the pit I was in. At one point in my life, I literally told Him to "TAKE ME OUT!"

Fast forward...I tried to cure my insecurities by filling my life with things I thought would make me whole. I drew confidence from my battered self-esteem after spending 6 1/2 yrs in the U.S. Army. I modeled for popular men magazines and websites. I acquired beautiful photos from some of the best photographers in the industry. I had a taste of the celebrity lifestyle, experienced the real V.I.P. (none of that 'get on the list' stuff), rockstar living, champagne overflowing, beautiful- looking people all around, celebs, and exclusive invites to the hottest parties. Sobering up, I began to think that this was a very sad and empty lifestyle that you hear most complain about but love to immerse themselves in. The "love" I experienced from people in this scene was induced by your garden variety toxins to include your favorite alphabet party favors. I tried to remain numb to it all and I fought the instinctive feeling that I did not belong in all this. Fighting it only drove me into a hole. God knocked and I slammed the door on Him, "NOT NOW! I was gonna live my life MY WAY and to the fullest, experiencing ALL things!" Partying was a way to pass the time and forget about the reality of my broken life. Unfortunately, my definition of "living life to the fullest" was a bit skewed, and thankfully "experiencing all things" didn't lead to the end of me here.

Don't get me wrong, I had some memorable moments and to regret any of it means I am not embracing who I am today. But I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and consequences I had to face because of foolish decisions. The enlightenment was that God wasn't punishing me nor did He ever turn His back on me as I had thought. He in fact protected me, even when I was growing up, while I was somewhat of a sweet innocent child. Raised by alcoholics, manics, & experiencing abuse in ALL forms, I live today to speak about it and give hope to others in bondage by their past. The end result of those things led to the death of my father and the separation of my family and by the grace of God, I survived it all, when I should have been dead or institutionalized!

It would be unjust to blame God for the wickedness of others and the consequences we face by our own sinful natures. We judge Him sometimes by what people do or the repercussions of our own foolishness. He did not create us to be robots, so we are free to act as we choose, but we want to throw the finger at Him because we don't like the things people are doing/not doing in this world. You want free-will? Well, you got it, but PLEASE don't hate on God based on the wrong things you see me do, or anyone else for that matter. Why is it that the hypocrisy we witness in Christians and by all the other practices of religions, do we curse God and allow that to hinder our relationship with Him? What does what other people do have to do with YOU and HIM? Sure, people can reflect God's goodness, but we are imperfect people, therefore, we cannot come close to representing His perfection. You don't like the interpretation of the bible from today's leaders? Well then I challenge you to pick one up and let it speak to you. But I ask that you don't cop out because it's easy to and please don't let that pride keep you from experiencing the greatest joy UNimaginable! You've never experienced LOVE till you experience it from Jesus Christ, I can SURELY attest to that!


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